What am I?

A post for catching up and for NPE awareness month

What am I reading? I recently finished Emma Grey’s latest novel - Start at the End. I love her writing and have devoured all of her books. This one was no exception. The story was different and I like the creative route she took to a familiar ending. It goes along with this theme of redemption and second chances that has been perseverating lately, as you will see below. What a limiting thought to think that if you choose one path, then it’s the only path that will ever bring happiness for you. I’m currently reading a fan favorite from last summer by Terah Shelton Harris - One Summer in Savannah. The topic is heavy but so far the writing is about as breezy as a warm summer wind and runs along that theme of redemption. What happens when the darkest things that have happened to us turn into the most dazzling dreams?

A Savanna Bridge Photo by Nitish Ranjan on Unsplash

What am I listening to? Lately I’ve been on a Justin Bieber kick. I will admit here that I had Bieber fever in 2015. Mostly because he partnered with Skrillex and even people who couldn’t stomach the Bieb’s pre-teen pop lyrics suddenly found themselves tapping along to his music. Many were surprised to find out that “Where are you now?” was even sung by Justin Bieber. It was the first time people started to wonder if he was all grown up. Are we ever all grown? I would say he delivered an answer to that question a decade later with this newest album SWAG II. We are finally seeing a grown version of him with renewed purpose. I could say a lot about that but it’s probably not my place. I will, however, play the heck out of this album, in solidarity of redemption. Hallelujah.

What am I writing? I wrote a post for my friends substack. Take a look at it over here and feel free to comment. I am really enjoying learning how everyone else handles these uncertain times. After that, I joined Jami Attenberg's infamous 1000 words of summer challenge for the 3rd time in a row this year. My novel that I started almost 4 years ago is finally unveiling itself to me. I had several endings in mind, but the ending is seeming to write itself. I open up a page and the scenes almost guide themselves. I have a loose idea of how it will end but we shall see what happens. After the challenge wrapped up, I ended at almost 80k words total in my novel. Insane! A dream I have had since I was a kid is almost to fruition.

What am I feeling? So. Many. Things. Are we surprised? I am always feeling ALL the things. But with the end of this book in sight, I feel elated. I feel joyful and hopeful. I feel proud to accomplish something I have always dreamed about. And now with the experience under my belt, I will maybe have the gumption to do it all over again. I feel awe that I have so many words inside of me and can create something meaningful (to me) with them. I feel levity. I feel capable. I feel happiness. And also, I feel hot, because it’s 100 degrees in North Carolina with no end in sight to this drought. Along with the heat comes a heaviness that is difficult to explain. Around this time of year there is a weight that is felt, where the doing is endless but the mind isn’t quite firing on all cylinders. A reminder to slow down and savor summer, regardless of where the wind is taking you.

What am I thinking? I’m thinking that I should have another section titled “What am I watching?” Which feels odd because a pre-COVID version of me didn’t watch that much TV. I think that has shifted a bit and lately I have been gravitating towards shows that shine a light on the darkness of humanity. Which is far different from the comedy and romance I tend to escape within. Recently, I finished the series finale of Euphoria. Wow, what a trip. Regardless of the varying opinions surrounding the writer Sam Levinson, this show is one of the most accurate portrayals of addiction that I have seen since I watched Trainspotting at 13 years old. When my best friend’s mom snuck us into the premier showing at an indie theatre and we sat in the front row to witness all the heroin highs (and lows)! Anyway, to turn our eyes away from the horrors of this life is to deny humanity its wholeness and erase a part of ourselves. Isn’t this why memoirs are so powerful? If you are a fan of spaghetti westerns and the spiritual idea of salvation, then this last season of Euphoria is right up your alley.

My favorite scene was when Rue (the main character) asks her sponsor: “How do so many people get to be so evil?” After a bit of dialogue he says that it’s easier to be that way because “it’s human nature. We’re selfish.” Almost as if to say, it’s our default. Personally, I believe human nature exists along a spectrum. It feels a bit short sighted to start us all at the finish line. Selfishness and selflessness seem to be two sides of the same coin and without a delineation, one bleeds into the other. I won’t portend, but I do think we must learn how to hold the duality of life. We learn to control the things we can change and to surrender to the things we can not change. Hello, serenity. I won’t ruin the ending for you if you plan on watching it, but in life’s essence, you learn to keep going and to keep smiling.

There is much to debate but I think when we zoom out, the message in the series finale is clear.

“You are either making the world a better place or you’re making it worse.”

Lastly, it’s NPE awareness month! You can read more about what an NPE is by clicking on this link. My NPE discovery in 2021 was the impetus for starting this little ol’ thing of mine on Substack. A salvaging, a reclamation, a whatever you want to call it, of my identity. I doubt anyone could sum up this experience better than B.K. Jackson and Kimberly Warner in their interview here. So thank you for coming to this place where I occasionally post some updates and share my thoughtless thoughts. I always enjoy connecting with the writing community in any way that I can. That alone feels like the truest version of my identity to date, a writer.