Thought List #5
"I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold, I'm livin' on such sweet nothin" - Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch.
It’s been a rough week. Existing has been exhausting. Let’s look around at this week’s not-so-thoughtless thoughts, shall we?
A blood moon eclipse on a Sunday led to an evening exploration of intentional quiet. Candles were lit, lights were low, and the house was deadly silent. I sat for a long time and listened to my thoughts. Most of the time people tell me they can’t meditate. No judgment, I get it. It’s been an interesting journey for me and lately it’s felt different. It’s only taken me several years to really hear myself. Let me tell you, the thoughts that creep up are barely whispers and when it’s quiet enough they start to roar. Almost like several people all trying to talk at once in there. It’s a jumbled dialogue when I listen and notice what barely coherent thoughts I am saying to myself. I wonder how many of those thoughts are there even when the outside noise picks up again. If it’s hard to notice them in the silence, I bet they are barely perceptible amongst the outside crowds. But they are always there. Tuning in and turning off, I highly recommend. But maybe your way of tuning in and turning off is found on the dance floor of a night club, and in that case, you do you. Just do it, find it, hear yourself. What you find in there might surprise you.
Blood Moon by Robert Wiedemann on Unsplash One of the thoughts that found me on Sunday evening was a sudden realization. I hadn’t left my house since Thursday afternoon. What?! Yes, I mean I left my house and sat outside but I didn’t move my car or leave the vicinity of my property for 3 days. No, I was not sick or physically I was not sick. Mentally, who knows, it didn’t feel like depression. I just felt…tired. Which I guess could be depression but I don’t think it was for me. I just wanted to escape…inside my cozy home. It is a lovely thing to really enjoy your own spaces. I have a home that easily brings me intrigue and rest depending on which room I bounce around in. It is not uncommon for me to break out in a kitchen dance during meal time with my record player in the dining room area. Most recently, Role Model’s bright yellow colored vinyl record has been twirling along on my pink Victrola. Records make music even more fun. Yes, I can be a hermit sometimes. Hi, it’s me!
On the old fashioned tube, I just finished watching all of The OA. Apparently a cancelled Netflix show from 2019 with a classic cult following that I had never heard of until now. Many people are demanding another season and I personally wouldn’t mind continuing along in an alternate dimension that eerily depicts the one we are currently living in. It brought up some really good insight about listening to our inside selves and not just our outside selves (see bullet 1). There was much ado about spirituality and meaningful lives and doing this life together instead of individually. As well as some pointed jabs at integrating the dark and the light, while blending the black with the white. I summed it up with a one liner conclusion, that was of course, a question. What if a dimensional shift only requires a change in our perspective? What portals open when we can see from a different angle or lens that we haven’t seen from before?
Want a hydrangea update? Ya girl is thriving! I have harvested at least 4 bouquets this summer and she is still putting out the blooms. I got really lucky for this first year of being a hydrangea parent. This week the spider lilies have lifted their little unruly heads from the ground signaling the cooler weather has arrived. Along with the leaves that have started falling in my backyard. The lilies make me feel elated every year. Who doesn’t love the thrill of a blazing red flower in their yard for a week or two? Right up there with daffodils in spring, if you asked me.
Spider lilies in the wild! Last but not least, I spotted a hawk sitting on top of my neighbors trash can when I walked outside the other day. I was actually stunned when I looked up to see this large bird staring back at me. I felt uncomfortable at first before remembering that it is very unlikely that this hawk could pick me up and carry me away with it. Although on that particular day, I might of welcomed the escape. You see, we live in a world right now where so much of what we see or hear or do is performative, for some unknown 3D agenda. It’s confusing and distraught and often disheartening. It’s very easy to get caught up in the rhetoric of disaster. SO VERY EASY. While I did lift my phone to snap a few photos (I’m not perfect!), I stood very quietly and observed the hawk for a few minutes. There was reverence in our meeting and it felt like we were eye to eye, the hawk daring me to lose this staring contest. After it flew away and the spell had broken, it reminded me that life will give as much as it takes, in surprising and captivating ways. If only we stop, look, listen, and notice. We might see the contrasting colors; the black and the white or the light amongst the darkness.
A red tailed hawk
Maybe leave your house this weekend? Or don’t?? But do your VERY best to remember that not all is lost. It absolutely has to break before we can rebuild again. Let’s not get lost in the sauce and forget to hold hands on the way down.
I saw a massive owl on a phone line, as I was walking up my street a few weeks back. I definitely felt like it was watching me and maybe would swoop down and take a divot out of my scalp! Something felt very foreboding about it. But your writing about the interaction with the hawk, Holly, makes me wonder if perhaps I wasn't noticing as much as anticipating. And that makes me curious as to why? Thanks for sharing your alternate beaky bird experience.